Tuesday, March 30, 2004


Monday, March 29, 2004

two movies I saw this week: the ladyk1llers (very funny and fun) and eternal sunshine of the spotless m1nd.

ESOTSM had some great themes: that we are attracted to the same kinds of people over and over without our memories of why someone isn't good for us; that people over time will usually tear each other down and relationships will usually fall apart based on little picky crap things; that women expect different things than men, namely, women want to talk and communicate and that communication defines the relationship, whereas men tend to see relationships as more about being together.

i don't think i would want to forget anyone i have loved, even if it hurt. there haven't been that many.

i also watched this movie called 'my life without me' -- a girl who is 23 and married because of a teen preg finds out she has terminal illness and doesn't tell anyone. she makes a list of 10 things to do before she dies. one is to fall in love with someone who is not her husband to see what it is like. that bit is sad because her husband really does love her. also she is disengaging from that relationship so it won't hurt so much to leave it. in the meantime she falls in love with another man and he just breaks my heart, the perfect mix of real person and paranoia. he is shy but somehow still believes in the good, that's great, i really thought he was wonderful and complex. i'm just sorry it had to be in the context of adultery. too bad. anyway, i guess i am musing about relationships again.

i am just so tired of the crap guys give about not making up their minds that it was good to see a couple of movies where the guys knew what they wanted even if it was misguided. i don't even know what my expectations of a man are, but i know it is not someone i can have some emotional share-fest with on a constant basis. i don't care about being verbally intimate. i think intimacy is a lot more than talking. and i sense a weakness in guys who are verbally needy that really bothers me. i don't know, i'm more attracted to emotionally reserved people. sometimes, though, i have learned that the most emotionally screwed up people tend to be reserved. that is not attractive. 'come here go away' is retarded. what i am talking about is a healthy person with his crap together who does not feel the need to be overly emotional and gushy all the time. i guess once in a while is all right but it doesn't do a lot for me.

i hear people gush praise and automatically think 'insincere.' gushing is stupid.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

so i think heidi told me how i can do the blog thing with target iframe. i need to get a book on html and probably buy the golive update for osx. this is important because i do want to put up a jen site eventually and the easier it's going to be the better. must research the cost.

today is beautiful and i am going to try to go for a walk after work. i am really craving exercise lately.

at lunch yesterday i looked at the back of my hand. the skin looked old. so i hunted around online and found the hand lotion that the chick used at aveda for hand massage during my facial and bought a small tube. also the foot cream. that stuff is amazing. my feet feel baby soft and uncallused.

i don't know if that will be a good thing when i walk, though. and the stuff is $7.50 for a small tube, and $18 for four times as much. i only want the small tube so i can carry it in my purse. grrr.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

First: photography stuff.

i shot some pictures on sunday with a 35mm nikon nikomat. the first roll i totally screwed up because i forgot to push the rewind release button at the bottom of the camera. that was color. i shot another roll, this time black and white. just the cats. they hated it, gosh, what a mean mommy i am. anyway, i got those developed and decided i need to tighten up the shots more, look at the frame while i'm shooting, not just the subject, try a little harder for better composition, and try to remember that people look at pictures because they see something unusual or familiar in them and they will evoke an emotion. they will remember the feeling more than the shot itself. i apply this to design every day but for some reason wasn't thinking of it when taking pics.

so last night i shot a roll of xp2 black and white and used the flash, after i screwed up about four shots i finally figured out how to do it right. set the asa on the flash wheel (at the hinge) and then you look for your aperture setting on the rest of the wheel. i wanted 4, that fell in the color yellow, so i set the dial on the front of the flash to yellow. then shoot away. i shot at 125th/sec and stopped down one, that is, had 400 speed film but set camera to 200 so it would be a tad overexposed. snapps says it's better to have film that is too thick than too thin.

i will drop it off on the way home today, at wolf.

so i got one decent shot of grady, nothing too happy or interesting but at least it wasn't all bad. he has an interesting expression.

i'm pretty stuck creatively on the poster and cover. i just kind of choked at the cover type and i don't know why. i guess i need to talk to ed about it.


Monday, March 22, 2004

Well, I just republished this address at the Parlor so I'd better get cracking on it.

I have been in a blog-hole lately because I've been too depressed and having nightmares. The reason is that I spent a lil too much time studying Holocaust revisionism. And of course to do that you have to study the actual facts of what happened. I freaked myself out. So, no more. Not now.

Anna's wedding was this weekend (for those of you who have seen my fat pics, she's the friend I am pictured with in Concord, Mass. It was beautiful! I mean just gorgeous. Then we all got stuck in the rain. Funny! But not too funny.

I watched "You've Got Mail" last night and it's terrible how watching a certain type of romantic comedy always makes me feel bad about being single. But, there is not one person on earth I wish would say those squishy things to me, so what do I do? I am content to look at boys from afar.

There is always something that disqualifies them in my mind if I get interested. Too young, too ill-mannered, too fussy, too something. I am Goldilocks and have worked my way through about 37 bears.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Washed my car today at Pop's Car Wash and now it's raining cats and dogs.

Well, I needed it waxed and the inside was filthy so I'm still glad I did it.

Driving home from Anna's wedding was like driving through the Apocalypse. There was a dead deer in the freeway, leaves everywhere, cars sliding, wind blowing. It was apocalyptic in the movie sense.

Bought the DVD of The Pianist and am also watching Masked and Anonymous.

I got soaked going to my car after the wedding reception.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

What the Passion meant to me, since everyone is sharing. It took a long time to come up with this. There is probably more, but this is a start:

My overwhelming impression in seeing this movie was in four areas:

1. The cross was a voluntary act on Christ's part, and the movie summarized for me what He did to redeem me. What it took, what was necessary, and what He was willing to do. I kept thinking, "They don't know that is God they are beating and spitting on." But He did. He knew that some of the people doing it to Him were people He was going to pay for. And yet He still did it.

I realized because of that how unworthy I am to even stand in my Lord's presence.

2. The cross was a place Christ had to get to. This has spawned lots of theological discussion about the Satan figure in the garden. Was his point to keep Him from the cross? No, because he inhabited Judas and had Christ betrayed. So Satan intended for Jesus to go to the cross, but apparently did not know that the act would prove his downfall. To me the emotional struggle at the beginning was as telling as the physical struggles. And the physical isn't even the worst of what Christ suffered, the worst being forsaken by God. But He kept going. He kept getting up again. He endured the beating because He had to get to the cross. He was singleminded in fulfilling His purpose. And again, He did whatever it took.

3. Fill in this sentence: Christ did what He did on the cross so I could _________.

Before I saw this movie I thought the answer was "be free." And I do still believe that, of course, but that is a bit of missing the point on my part. Because of course, Christ did this so that I could live.

It bears repeating that the answer to the blank is not "doubt," or "sin," or "ignore Him," all of which have also passed through my mind.

4. The blood. So much blood. How is it that scripture can say we are "washed" in His blood? That is a logical impossibility. Blood stains things, it doesn't clean them. Yet that blood that was spilled, sprayed on the faces of the guards, pooled on the ground, is both my cleansing and my sanctification. I am set apart by God through the shedding of that blood. "Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness." Well, did I think just the few drops spilled by the nails was what God meant? So much blood.

And really, if you think about it, so much forgiveness.

That's my take.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Yikes! let's get rid of that headline.