Saturday, June 16, 2007

It Runs in the Family

Caution: baby-doll horror story ahead!

Y'all. My sister called me today with a Story. (You think I'm the only one in the family with crazy stories, but that is Not So. Not So, But Far Otherwise.)

Sister is Pixie's mom, my little niece who is nearly 2. Pixie (not her real name) has had this crazy--ugly dolly forever that is a soft-bodied doll with a "lifelike" head - you know, the creepy baby dollies that every little girl has to carry around with her. It's called Baby. It has sausage-shaped stuffed legs and a "bodysuit" which is really her body. But most of all, thick, creepy, rubbery fake skin on her head and hands.

Baby got newsprint on her fake-creepy skin when daddy laid her on the newspaper one day. Baby had part of the Miami Herald just over her left ear, a tattoo of Today's News. (Good thing it wasn't an obituary.)

Baby got a hole in the back of her head when she got shoved under the couch one day. Just a tear in the skin, but these things have a way of getting worse.

About two weeks ago, Pixie walked in holding Baby by putting her fingers through the hole in her skin. My sister got a little freaked out about her possibly ripping off the skin and swallowing it, so she decided to have a Baby Operation and just take the skin off.

Having absolutely NO IDEA what it would look like, she peeled and peeled. Pixie watched her, and (understandably) freaked out when her precious Baby began to look even crazier and frightening. Unfortunately those fellas at the Acme Toy Company just went ahead and put a horror-monster baby in there under all the fake plastic skin. Baby's plastic skeleton didn't look all that different from our real ones. Pixie yelled "EYES! EYES MAMA! EYES!" and she went into unconsolable hysterics, just as you would if your dear mother pulled the skin off your darling baby doll's head. (Why she did not wait until Pix went for a nap I'll never know, but she swears she thought it would be just fine under there.) And obviously, Pixie has no idea that it's just a doll, to her it's a real live baby, and her mother just did something terrible to it.

My sister put it in a closet under a blanket hoping she'd forget about it, like you do. (Dear sister: Why the heck didn't you toss the doll in the trash?) Pixie occasionally walked over to the bump underneath the blanket in her closet and yelled "EYES! EYESSSSS MAMA!"

She was clearly not forgetting. Fearing for her child's eventual sanity and imagining the bills she might one day face when Pixie got to her twenties and had to go to counseling because of the Great Baby Doll Skinning of 07, my sister got the baby out of the closet (Pixie grabbed her and wouldn't let go, and kept looking at my sister like "How could you DO THIS?"), wrenched her away with a promise that Baby was going to the hospital to get fixed, and drove like hell to the Toys R Us two towns over for a replacement. Armed with a trash bag and a pair of scissors, my sister marched in and bought a new doll. The kind ladies at the store were not overly judgmental of my sister when she showed them what she had done to Baby, got the new doll out of her box, took the clothes off Baby and put them on her replacement. She folded up the new clothes, put Baby into the trash bag, tied it up, grabbed New Baby, and drove like hell back home, hoping that Pixie would accept the almost-identical replacement.

When PIxie woke up from her nap, her eyes lit right up at her new Baby. She listened all wideeyed as her mama told her the Baby got fixed and got a new outfit at the hospital, and wanted to put on Baby's new clothes. (We are clearly horrible people, but you'd probably do it too.) All afternoon she's been playing with her new Baby, occasionally stopping to hold her at arms-length, during which she appears to admire her new skin, then give her a big hug.

Well, you would too, if your mama made your Baby look like this.

I have already laughed until I cried several times today, and believe I have come up with a Life Lesson for my sister: The next time this happens, do not skin the doll. Go directly to Toys R Us, and save yourself the grief. My 11-year old nephew, Pixie's big brother, wanted to keep the doll for himself. (Clearly why my sister thought taking the skin off would be okay in the first place.)

ETA: This really is how Southerners give directions. I can't do the regular kind anymore. Here is the associated story.

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Blogger Niquie said...

Thats an awesome story Jenn. I'm amazed at the stories we tell children to keep them happy. I'm glad baby got a new face.. I'd be scared of that face too!

9:53 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

Yup, haht was a scary baby-face! I had a teddy bear that went to the "hospital" when I was a kid.....

10:04 PM  
Blogger Grandma Barb said...

That was one freaky looking face. I'm glad your sister got a replacement for her. When I was about four, I had a doll with a china head - that I fed scraps of veggies to while my mother was making beef stew. Susie - the doll - had a cloth body but the mouth was open. Late that night, my parents opened my door to check on me and were greeted with a horrendous stench. They thought the worst - that I had upchucked my dinner in the bed. When they turned on the light and saw I was okay, they found Susie. Needless to say, my mother had to decapitate her to clean out the mess of nasty smelling stuff, but she didn't sew very well, so Susie's head kept coming loose from her shoulders.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Inky said...

OMG - that's a disturbing doll - but one funny f'in story, lol. I just read it to my husband and he's still laughing. EYES MAMMA EYES may be our new catch phrase when something is freaky scary!

I am still disturbed by thoughts of the teddy bear that my dad would make do things while I was asleep. Like sit on the sofa with a beer, at the dining room table with food, at the door with a little bag to run away if I was naughty, etc. I still have the bear and when I told my husband this story of my childhood, I warned him if he made the bear do things, I'd leave, lol. I also told my dad, when the nieces were born, not to do that to him because it has far reaching consequences. Poor dad, he felt bad, but it was still funny to him. Until I told him I'd brought it up in therapy once. The look on his face, lol, then I was the one laughing.

We aren't nice in our family, hahaha!

1:07 AM  
Blogger meg said...

love it. that's a great story and a freaking looking baby!

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Laurie P said...

Great story, Jen. I love your blog. :)

10:44 AM  
Blogger kemtee said...

Ok… now I'm freaked out. This is probably why I only buy stuffed animals for Her Serene Highness.

Your sister lucked out that TRU still had some replacement Babies in stock.

This brings back those bad memories of when my mother drowned my Pillsbury Dough Boy in the washing machine….

2:20 PM  
Blogger Mrs. H said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! Poor Pixie! Of course you know she could use this story to her advantage when she's older.

Pixie:"Mom, can I use thew car tonight?"


Pixie:"Hey, Mom... remember that time you skinned baby?"

Mom:"Be home by 11."

9:46 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

Okay thankfully I didn't have liquids in my mouth while reading this one. Too funny!

11:12 AM  
Blogger Miss Violet said...


I have just sat here and laughed until I CRIED at this, and oh Inky, I think my new catchphrase is going to be EYES EYES MAMA EYES!


3:05 PM  
Anonymous Cathy said...

Love the story! When it became clear that my daughter was deeply attached to her "Molly," I went out and bought a second and kept it hidden away. Periodically, we'd put Molly in the wash and (while kiddlebiddle wasn't looking), switch dolls so they got equal wear! She's 10 now and still doesn't know there's another doll. I'm saving it to give her future husband on her wedding day!

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

Omg... can't stop laughing. Poor, poor little girl with her skinned baby. But seriously, that is one freaky ass doll... WEIRD.

1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! And you took a picture of the poor baby! That is so funny! I can hardly stand it! LMAO! Directions..... the news story is just too funny. Old plates to look at while they eat? Yup, it's the south.

10:55 AM  

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